2 Men & A Little Lady

Phil's softball letter from Sept 5, 2007

COTTONWOOD, UT – Air Cold Supply held a traditional Native American Rain Dance on Monday in hopes of getting this weeks game cancelled, but the storm came a day early and allowed ACS to remain perfect(ly bad) on the season as they fell to 0-3 on the season after a 24-4 loss. Despite his best efforts at bat (he runs great for an OLD guy), Rich “I should have just gone to the Bee’s game” Turnbow saw his record go to 0-3 despite his triple and run scored on a sacrifice fly.

Tuesday night, hurricane Eubank (the local weather man for those outside the state) hit hard. It not only brought wind, rain and destruction, but also brought hope to ACS that they may have another week to recover from last weeks game and record their first non-loss. As the local weatherman exclaimed joy at what a “fun” storm this was despite the damage and the fact that Jeff “I should have bought a generator from Ferguson for only $229” Lewis was without power for almost 36 hrs, ACS members prayed for a repeat on Wednesday. Instead the nicest day in months came and like cows to the slaughter, they arrived at the Cottonwood complex.

Not all came however. When it became obvious that the game would not be cancelled, the management team took off.(which is why this is so late, I was too busy all day) Rich “at least my little league football team knows how to win” Saltmarsh caught the next plane to Chicago to hide. Warren “my kids have insomnia and I need some sleep” Fowlks quietly slipped out and drove south to St. George to get some R&R, I mean pretend to work. Kyle “I fought the bat and the bat won” Beck was out on the IR and isn’t expected back until ACS gets a win. So Air Cold had to bring in three ringers from the plumbing side, but unlike last week, Jason, Jeff and Andy played well in the field but hit like they were carrying toilets on their backs.

Air Cold started in the field this week, and the bleeding started early. Jeff “how can they make me work so hard and still expect me to play softball” Burgner went after a fly ball in left and performed what can only be described as a “Fouetté”. (Before you make any judgments, I didn’t know the term either, I just put ‘ballet terms’ into Google and thought this was fitting. I don’t swing that way, not that there’s anything wrong with that) He not only performed the jump, but was lost in the swamp and the grass that was almost chest high when sitting. After a short mud bath therapy, he arose to throw a masterful toss that almost went 10 feet. This was only the first of many inside the park home runs. In fact, almost every inning saw the “Slap Happy Pappy’s” slapping hands after inside and outside the park home runs.

After scoring 11 runs, the Slappers got tired from running around the bases and ACS got three outs. Turnbow was the lone bright spot with this triple (when the outfielder slipped and fell down, but it did hit the fence) and his hustle home on a fly out. All three other runs were scored by playing small ball as ACS once again did not have a homerun on the night before the game was called by the 15 run rule after 5 innings.

The highlight of the night in the field was provided by Sean “how come we have drinks but no food” Callahan. As he was standing on second, Jason “does this make me look like a” Hickman threw a rocket to try and get the runner at second out. Unable to turn his glove around to catch it, Callahan protected his San Diego grown face by catching the ball with his bare hand. The catch may someday be know as the “slap heard ‘round the world.” Despite the numb hand, or maybe because of it, when the ball was hit to him right after that, he made a great snag, with his glove, and was able to throw the runner out at first thanks to a stretch by Phil “oh, I should have just let that go, someone please help me up” Garner. ACS did have its first double play of the year as well.

Kevin “now I’m on the counter, make receiving do it” McDonald once again played third so he did little more than watch line drives and ground balls fly by him. He was okay with that though because the NFL season opens up on Thursday and his Dolphins first loss will be Sunday. Jimmy “I’m not as young as I think I am” Burns hid out in left field and tried not to re-aggravate his old man, er calf, injury. He did beat out a play at first, but was still called out because he stepped on the white bag, not the orange bag. When told of the rule, Jimmy commented “that rule should be illegal, it discriminates against the color blind. I’m calling the Americans With Disabilities people to see if we have a lawsuit.” If ACS keeps playing like this, they may be sued by the inventor of Softball for being a disgrace to the game.

Next week, ACS will have its only real game without the lights as they take on the double-mint twins and the rest of the Double Play team at 6:30. As a side-note, ACS is looking for sponsors of their post-game activities since that seems to be the only thing they are good at. Contact any member of the team with offers.