Phil's softball team

Phil is on his company softball team and has been writing the "articles" after each game.

*Note: Some events have been exagerated ;)

Week 1 - August 22, 2007

COTTONWOOD, UT – Air Cold Supply supplied nothing but cold bats and lot of runs for their opponent in Beer League softball action last night as they took a 28-0 thumping. Rich "wild thing" Turnbow goes to 0-1 as a starter and ACS goes to 0-1 (and counting) on the season.
ACS started off well enough with Jimmy "the toast is" Burns working a walk to start off the game. However, Veral "I’m sharp as a" Thorn and Kevin "double cheeseburger" McDonald took the pitcher deep for two very long outs. "I thought the ball was supposed to go farther at this elevation," said McDonald. "I haven’t taken steroids since last week," said Thorn.
With two outs, Turnbow hit safely followed by another single by Rich "please pass the" Saltmarsh. With the bases loaded and two outs, Phil "up the dinner plate" Garner took the plate. With two balls and no strikes, did he take the pitch? No, he hit a grounder that eventually made it all the way to the short stop were he easily got the force out as second. "I guess I should have run," Saltmarsh said. "But I had already started back to the dugout when I saw Phil was up." Little did they know that ACS would have almost no other scoring chances.
The barrage of runs began immediately. The only thing that prevented a triple digit loss was the rule of only one homerun per inning. A few nice plays in the outfield were negated by a lot of hits that were missed. Sean "Napoleon Dynamite, San Diego style" Callahan had a great catch considering his eyes were closed and he had a burrito in his mouth. When asked how he felt about his catch he said, "gosh Jimmy, where is your pretzels?"
Jeff "do you know where the weight room is" Lewis had a few problems before getting his catch as well. "I kept losing the ball in the moon, or was it the big dipper, maybe a satellite…" said Lewis. A number of the outfielders also had a problem negotiating the foot long grass and the gopher holes. "I kept falling," said Burns. "I didn’t realize Utah had jungles." Kyle "Welch never made me do this" Beck also had some footing problems. "But I’m old," he said. Jeff "chicken legs" Burgner also had difficulty running in the grass. "Who cares, where is the Bud Light and my new $200 glove that I’ll only use 7 times?" said B-diddy.
The infield had little action as the balls zipped past or over them all night. "It was like watching the Matrix," said Warren "tee’s cost us money" Fowlks from his vantage point at catcher. "Except that the ball moved real fast but the people were real slow."
Long, long story short, the rest of the game went about the same. It’s sad when the 30-3 beat down that Texas gave Baltimore wasn’t even the biggest spread of the night. I didn’t even know that there was a 25 run rule in softball.
Next up ACS will face Boston’s own CHEERS TO YOU at 9:30, well past half the team’s bed time. As always, there will be a beer social afterwards to dull the pain of the expected loss.

Week 2 August 29, 2007


COTTONWOOD, UT – Air Cold Supply, the loveable losers, lost by less this week as they fell to Boston’s "other" team, Cheers to You 18-8 in a Herculean effort here last night. Richard "I don’t want another" Turnbow kept his record perfect going to 0-2. ACS also goes to 0-2 (and counting). The ACS also had three fans at the game.
Air Cold accumulated a number of firsts on the night. The most important, they scored a run despite leaving the bases loaded in both the first and second inning with no runs scored. Jason "I think this vacuum gave me a" Hickman busted out the big guns with a giant blast in the third inning. When asked how it felt to be the only one to score in 1/5 of the innings, he said "I personally believe that, U.S. Americans are unable to do so, because some… people out there in our nation don’t have bats and balls, and I believe that our education, like such, as in South Africa and Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should… our education over here in the U.S., should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.., for our…crap, never mine." Hickman finished the night with three homeruns.
By the fourth inning the team was starting to look like the cast from M*A*S*H; the patients, not the doctors. The only thing missing was the cross dressing Klinger, speaking of which, Sean Callahan who was absent this week is expected to be back to action next week. To show how bad it got, Rich "run like I’m stuck in a" Saltmarsh (who is picking a U of U loss to his beloved Beavers) had to come in and pitch run for Kyle "hit by his own bat" Beck. (Who, according to one young spectator, looks like Mario from the Nintendo classic game Mario Brothers) Young Jimmy Burns saw his perfect batting percentage continue until his legs turned into knotted up breadsticks and hit into the slowest turned double play ever.
Jeff "batting cages" Lewis redeemed himself from his strikeout last week with a blast over the outfielders head in the last inning. Unfortunately, just like in high school, he stumbled awkwardly trying to get to first base and was unable to get past third base all night. Another first, ACS had no strikeouts this week. Well, they had one, but that was when Jeff "can I take you out for a" Burgner tried to hit on one of the three fans after the game but was shot down. Kevin "I’m lovin’ it" McDonald was there in body, but not really in spirit. He could be heard whispering to himself. Trent Green? Trent Green? We are screwed… another losing season for the Dolphins.
Another bright spot was the kid in the orange hat that Jason brought; I think his name was Jeff as well. Anyway, that kid had a cannon for an arm. I think he said it was an extra in Pirates of the Caribbean. Despite being down for most of the game, Air Cold still had a chance to come back in the bottom of the last inning. However, Phil "the rally killer" Garner was unable to get a hit like he did the inning before and ended the game by hitting it right to the left fielder the play after the aforementioned "slowest double play ever." In response, Kyle, who was on deck said, "thank you, I didn’t want to have to run again."
Next up ACS will face fan favorite Slap Happy Pappy’s at 7:30. As always, there will be a beer social afterwards to dull the pain of the expected loss. We did have to promise our wives to be home by midnight this time though.