2 Men & A Little Lady

Phil Softball Article 9-19-07

COTTONWOOD , UT – Warren, Rich and losing returned to the Air Cold Softball team this week as ACS once again lost by the 20 run rule, 25-5 to the Phenomenal Phenoms. Richard “Yankee’s are only down by 1” Turnbow improved his record to 0-4, while Air Cold went to 1-4. In the interest of full disclosure, Air Cold may get it’s only win stripped from the records because of a failed drug test by the former Air Cold slugger, Jason “do I look good in these bowling shoes” Hickman. Though not official, it’s apparently a drug that is used by women who like to bowl, but are pretending to be a man. Since it is an all men’s league, this would be a disqualification.

The week started out bad as most of the team has been working “Day and Night” in order to move out over a million dollars worth of #$%^ while at the same time moving in over a million dollars worth of the greatest thing to hit Utah since green Jell-O ™. On Wednesday, the members of ACS had to drag themselves from the office, to their homes and families to get reacquainted, and then to the field for a late 9:30 game. After not bringing any beer last week, every member of ACS brought some this week. It would be needed early and often.

After allowing only 2 runs in the first inning, the flood gates opened up in the second. After getting down by ten, Air Cold was able to score some runs to force it into the fourth before the “mercy” rule ended the game. The fatigue was evident in the way the team played the field like they were in the MLB ’07 video game but were being controlled by some 70 year old man who’s arthritis made it difficult to hit the buttons. Kevin “I even dream I’m on a forklift” McDonald made up for last weeks play at third with a couple of nice catches to buck against the trend of errors for the rest of the team. Phil “The Big Fat Loser” Garner was given the opportunity to lose some weight as he was allowed to chase ball after ball that landed safely in left field. Veral “I used to be young” Thorn tried to direct the outfield into better positioning, but every move was countered by the Phenoms masterful chess skills as the ball landed in the area just vacated almost every time. Jeff “What, everyone brought beer” Lewis and Jimmy “Oh it” Burns finished off the outfield.

Jeffery “Chicken legs” Burgner, had to have his nickname changed to Road Runner after he legged out an infield ground ball with amazing speed. However, he still hasn’t learned how to slide into a base without the fire department having to come and use the Jaws of Life to remove his wedged leg from the base. Richard “How ‘bout them Beavers” Saltmarsh and Warren “I wish we could have beer out here in the field” Fowlks had very little to do as almost every runner made it at least to second on a hit. The taller, more athletic, and better looking Turnbow also came to take over duties at short. After a could of great plays, he accidentally touched one of the other members of Air Cold and was stricken with the curse of errors and watched ground ball after ground ball act like it hit a trampoline and jump over his glove.

Sean “turret syndrome” Callahan missed the game again to continue his experiments on how fungus grows on items that never get up off of a bar stool. “Next week’s game will be rained out, if not by the clouds, then by the tears of the fans that have to watch another game.